Tuesday, July 24, 2012

What If Kris Aquino Delivered the President's Speech?

Please take a seat. I ordered new sofas for this event for my very special guests. They’re pink so take good care of them.

Senate President Juan Ponce Enrile; Speaker Feliciano Belmonte; Vice President Jejomar Binay (and your son, ahahaha); former Presidents Fidel Valdez Ramos and Joseph Ejercito Estrada; eminent Justices of the Supreme Court; distinguished members of the diplomatic corps; honorable members of the House of Representatives and of the Senate; our leaders in local government; members of our Cabinet; uniformed officers of the military and of the police; my fellow public servants; and to the Filipino people… you all look fabulous today.

First of all, nais pong iparating ng kagalang-galang na PNoy na labis syang nag-so-sorry sa hindi nya pagdating today. He has a major scalp infection that was caused by the shampoo that was supposed to be for Josh. Before he used it, I was like, “Noy, don’t use it. It’s for Josh.” And then he was like, “Why can’t I use it?” I was like, “Because it’s for Josh.” Then he was like, “Bakit nga hindi pwede?” Then I was like, “Because it’s for Josh.” And then, ayun nga, nakarma kaagad. Ahahaha.

Anyway, I’ll shut up na about TMI, baka magalit si PNoy.

This is PNoy’s 3rd SONA. And he just want to say na… *reads speech*… Oh my God, this is boring, let’s skip na. Pakitaas na ng prompter. Hindi dyan. No. No. No. Boring. Okay. Yan. Wait. Yan. Bongga.

PNoy just wants to say that his government made tanggal na all the gastusin na hindi kailangan and made habol all the tiwali, you know na naman that. We’ve all seen the news. Duh.

That’s why we are not the most kawawa among Asian countries anymore. Instead of making utang, we are the ones making pautang to other countries. In all fairness talaga.

According to Bloomberg Businessweek, which I have a subscription, and I quote, “Keep an eye on the Philippines.” Oh di ba. Level. According naman to Foreign Policy Magazine, we can be, and I quote “Asia’s Next Tiger.” Sosyal, di ba? Also, Oprah tweeted “Philippines deserves to be number one in Asia.” Joooke. Joke lang. Hi, Oprah. She’s watching.

One of PNoy’s projects is the Pantawid Pamilya program. Well, I am the one who kept on pushing PNoy about this project because my son, Bimby, once said that he wants to give money to the poor. Bimbs, stand up, para makita ka sa camera. Say hi, Bimbs. Aww. He’s having tantrums since kanina pa kasi the barong is itchy. I should’ve asked someone to make a non-itchy barong. Next year!

Anyway… Oh my God. So many numbers. I don’t want to say everything na. If you want, I’ll just post everything on my Twitter account. It’s @aquinokristina. Unfollow the old one. I have a new one na. Ako personally ang nag-tu-tweet. Using Nokia Lumia of course. If you want the graphs, I’ll post it on instagram na lang.

PNoy also wants to thank the BPO industry for bringing so much jobs. Clap clap. And BPO also make more industries more masigla. Bongga talaga.

Also, there will be improvements in our transportation systems. First, with our airports. More airports, more fun! And we will fix the anik-anik in NAIA. The government will also keep on building roads. There will be a connector na between NLEX and SLEX that will make the byahe from Clark to Calamba so madali. Imagine what that will do to my taping schedule. It will be easier for me to go from my teleserye taping in the north to my movie taping in the south.

Kudos also to DoT. Good job, Secretary Jimenez. It’s more fun in the Philippines talaga. I’ve experienced going to different places dahil sa KrisTV and I can honestly say, iba talaga. Everyone of you here in the congress should guest on my show. It’s fun talaga. You can ask Senator Chiz.

Also, PNoy did something about the electricity na. So everybody can watch my show.

PNoy also wants to thank the militantes who balik-loob to the government. Nakatulong din siguro ang pagbibigay ko sa kanila ng KrisTV mugs which I personally chose. Take good care of it. It’s imported and I personally mail them. With ribbons pa sa box and heart-shaped cutouts pa because, you know naman how much I love hearts.

And, I would like to take this opportunity to acknowledge Dawn Zulueta and Richard Gomez who are present in the congress today. Napakataas ng ratings ng Walang Hanggan. Nanunuod kami ni Bimbs with his yayas and swear, tutok na tutok kami.

Everytime there is a sakuna, before, people always wait for services. Ngayon, hindi na. Nauuna talaga ako para magbigay ng tulong. Ako talaga! Together with other artistas like Vice Ganda and many more, we go to the lugar na nasalanta ang give relief goods.

With regards to the past administration, we never forget. Forgive and forget na lang ang sampung taon na nawala sa atin? Forgive and forget na lang ba para sa mga naulila ng limampu’t pitong biktima ng masaker sa Maguindanao? Maibabalik ba sila ng “forgive and forget?” Forgive and forget ang lahat ng atraso ng mga naglubog sa atin sa bulok na estado? Forgive and forget na lang ba ang pambababae ng asawa ko? No. I’ve forgiven, but I will never forget. So wala munang lovelife-lovelife ngayon. Work muna.

Anyway, this getting so mahaba na. I will not make this more mahaba because I will resume taping for my teleserye with Robin and Anne. The rest of PNoy’s speech is on the internet. Google-google na lang kayo.

Lastly, PNoy wants to add na don’t thank him daw for the things that the government did. Whenever there’s an OFW na nagpapasalamat sa kanya, he always say, “ikaw ang gumawa nito.” Kapag may magsasaka na nagpapasalamant, sinasabi nya na, “ikaw ang gumawa nito.” Kapag may anyone na lumalapit at nagapapsalamat, sinasabi nya, “ikaw ang gumawa nito.” Kapag pumupunta si Phillip at James sa bahay to visit the kids, palagi kong sinasabi, “kayo ang gumawa nito.”

Hindi po ito SONA ni PNoy. SONA ito ng sambayanang Pilipino. Love love love for the rest of the year. Ako po si Kris Aquino.

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